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Monthly Archives: December 2012

All Dressed Up And Somewhere To Go

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Had a great couple of days! I went dress shopping with my daughter, we got our hair done, nails did and went to lunch. These are the things that are important. I almost decided not to go to the Club’s New Year’s Eve party but then my husband started up with me again and that was it. I’m going. More to get away from him than anything but I also can’t wait to wear the dress I bought. I usually don’t like getting dressed up since I’ve plumped out, but I love this dress. And I look pretty good in it!

I ant to bring in this New Year right.  As I sit and get ready, Eric keeps walking by the bedroom.  He looks in, totally mopey, doesn’t say anything then walks away. You know, if he just said, “I’d really like you to stay home tonight Nicole.  Let’s get some wine, sit in front of the fire and bring in the New Year together…a new start”…I would stay home in a heartbeat.  But this is the problem.  He won’t.  He just wants me to stay here and be miserable with him, when he was the one who caused the misery to begin with!  Am I wrong here?  He isn’t doing what he needs to do to fix this.  Personally I think he’s going through a mid-life crisis.  Maybe I am too but I wasn’t until he turned my life upside down.  I have to stop feeling guilty about this.  I want to enjoy myself tonight.

         My New Year’s Resolutions:

  1. Make myself a top priority!
  2. Keep writing!  Maybe get a novel started?
  3. Get healthier and fit
  4. Have a better view of myself.  Build up that self-esteem!
  5. AND…Don’t let my husband drag me down

Have a safe and happy New Year all!!  See you next year!

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Calm after the storm

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It’s been an interesting few days. My in-laws left two days ago and not five minutes later Eric completely lost his mind. I didn’t see much of him while they were here but when we did cross paths he was cranky. I just thought his parents were getting on his nerves. But as it turns out, I was getting on his nerves. Apparently he wanted me to spend more time with them…and him. Since when? I called bullshit. I think his parents confronted him about the obvious tension and distance between us and he didn’t know what to say. He probably blamed me. I guess that’s why I ended up with the books. She thought it would help us? Anyway, he was yelling something about how unhappy he is and a dark cloud over our house or something like that. I was shocked because it sounded like he was blaming me. So sorry you’re miserable Eric. Maybe you should go screw another co-worker! Would that cheer you up? What an asshole.

So it was pretty bad, luckily the kids were out. I didn’t like him before this but now I just can’t stand him. How dare he blame me for the unhappiness in our lives!

Good news is I have a story idea outlined. I’m not going to let that selfish ass ruin my motivation. I did some meditating, I’ve been going to the Club…screw him. And you know what? I just decided…I AM going to that New Year’s party. And I’m going alone. Not for Ryan really, but to get out and dance and bring in the New Year right. There are a lot of singles there so I won’t feel silly. Yep. That’s what I’m going to do. I need a dress…and maybe a few visits to the tanning booth, shoes, hair did. Yes…I’m going!! Time for some tea and a hot bath…

Thanks for the porn

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gift-book-featured-520x345 I wasn’t going to write anything today but I couldn’t resist. My Jewish Mother In-Law put a present under my wreath this morning. She got me the 50 Shades of Gray books. Three of them. Then told me I just had to read them and proceeded to confess how “excited” she’s been since she’s read them. “Those books have re-awakened my sex life! I used to feel guilty about wanting sex” Guilty? Well, you are Jewish Myra, “but now I say, what the hell! I’m getting old I might as well enjoy myself, and I don’t always need Stan if you know what I mean.”

Ugh. Just love that traditional Christmas confession. She’s Jewish for Christ’s sake! Here comes my oatmeal. Fa la la la la….la la…la…blah.

Forced Holiday Fun

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I snuck in a little Christmas this year. I don’t think my husband minds, it’s more me not wanting to decorate and cook for two holidays so close together. But I needed a little cheer in the house and probably something to keep me busy. My in-laws are staying for a week. They usually get on my nerves but I’m thankful this year because they’re keeping my husband, okay I’ll say his name, Eric, occupied. Eric and I don’t talk much. I’d rather not talk alone than not talk with someone there. Does that make sense? I feel more alone with him than when I’m actually alone. Things haven’t been the same since I caught him cheating. We go to therapy, he says he’s sorry, swears he’ll never do it again but the problem is…I just don’t really care anymore. I think he killed something in me. Just going through the motions now.

So it’s quiet this year. The kids are off with their “significant others”. The Club is closed for a couple of days. What to do? Maybe try to come up with a story idea instead of writing about my boring life. Or play countless hours of Spider Solitaire. Hmmm…wonder what Ryan is doing? Just kidding. Happy Holidays!

Not safe to go into the water…

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Something is happening and I don’t think it’s good. I wanted to be inspired and yes, I was bored but I’ve been feeling so strange. First I couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan then yesterday I saw his bitchy wife in the Club locker room and again she snubbed me. Seriously, who cares, right? Obviously me for some reason. It bothered me so much I did something really crazy. I’m really embarrassed that I sunk this low. It’s really stupid but here it goes…she didn’t have a lock on her locker, so I opened it, pulled out my Gold Bond powder and shook a bunch inside. It created a huge white cloud. I panicked, grabbed my stuff and ran out of there. How stupid was that? I don’t know what got into me. She’ll probably guess it was me who did it. There was no one else in there. Oh man. What did I do?

shark

It doesn’t stop there. Today the football team had a pre-Christmas pizza party at a local restaurant. I waited at the Starbucks next door and who walks in? Ryan. I quickly put my head down and pretended to read but just couldn’t help but look up. He was in line and saw me. He smiled. I swear I turned purple. I mustered a smile then went back to my book. He got his coffee, looked around but there were no empty tables so he headed for the door, but suddenly he turned and walked over to me.

“You mind if I sit here? I think they’re going to be a while over there.”

“Sure”, I said. Awkward silence. Should I continue to read? Does he really want to talk or did he just need a place to sit? He broke the silence.

“Get all your Christmas shopping done?”

“Well, my husband is Jewish so…”

“Oh, sorry”, he said.

I laughed, “No need to be sorry. Did you get your shopping done?”

Crap..he looks bored. This is boring dialog Nicole.  “I let my wife handle that. It’s what she’s best at.”

Whoa. Not very fond of his wife maybe? Me neither Ryan…she’s a bitch. Awkward silence again. Hurry up, think of something to say!

“I sort of miss having a Christmas tree.” Well that was stupid.

“Yeah? I’d miss it too. I love when the house is decorated.” Okay…we’re back.

“It can really be magical.” Really Nicole? Magical?

“I just don’t like taking everything down. That’s a pain in the ass.” he said.  I chuckle.

Dammit. I know what I’ll be thinking about again tonight. As I look at him I’m picturing him wearing only a Santa hat. Oh my God. I hope he doesn’t know.

He asks, “Are you going to the Club New Year’s Eve Party?”

“Oh, ummm…” Hell no. The Club is filled with people like your bitchy wife Ryan. “I was thinking about it. Are you going?”

“Yeah. I have to go. The wife helps plan it. It’s fun. They always have a great DJ. You should go.”

Is that a hint? I think that’s a hint! “I probably will.”

He stands up. He was just being nice. He didn’t mean it. “I’m gonna go check next door. Maybe I’ll see you New Year’s”, he says.

“Yeah, maybe. Have a nice Christmas.”

He smiles, walks out. Great ass. Oh man. This is bad. Although I am writing so that part is good. Right? Yes. I’m writing and that was the point of starting this blog. So this is good. And sweet dreams tonight for sure.

Lying here with strange thoughts…

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Got everyone ready for school, husband left for work then I crawled back in bed. I don’t know what got into me but I couldn’t stop thinking about yesterday. His name is Ryan. I’ve seen him a few times over the years at school functions, games, practice. But other than thinking he was good looking with a bitchy wife, I never gave him a second thought. So why is he stuck in my brain right now? Maybe because I’m bored? My subconscience is inventing something for me to get excited about? I almost hope I don’t see him again. The thoughts I’ve been having…I think I’d break out in a cold sweat. Okay, this is silly and a giant waste of time. I’m going to the Club. That’s productive!
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Motivation

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I’m tired of complaining, tired of waiting for something to happen.

So…I woke up this morning, pounded a 5 Hour Energy, got the kids to school, showered and went to the Club.  I biked for one hour, had rubber legs for 2 but I felt pretty good.  I had a renewed confidence, a little bounce in my step until  I got snubbed by one of the snotty football moms as I walked out.  I smiled and said “hi”.  She looked me in the eyes and walked right by.  Why do I care about that?  Really?  It’s her problem, right?  But it  bothered me. It squashed my confidence just like it did 20+ years ago in the halls of my high school.

Fueled by decades of angst, I decided to make a statement at football practice.  I was going to snub her right back.  My plan:  I’d make sure we made eye contact and then I would turn away first.  So high school, I know.  I’m not proud but whatever.  Anyway, my plan ended up a wash because she wasn’t there.  She sent her ruggedly handsome husband instead.  He was seated at the picnic table, surrounded by her pack.  They acted as if he was the first man they’ve seen in years.  He looked pretty miserable actually, I couldn’t help but laugh.  And just as I  headed back to the car, he broke away.

I turns out we were parked right next to each other.  We got in our cars, looked at each other and smiled.  He rolled down his window, gestured for me to do the same.

He pointed to the pack and asked, “Are they always like that?”

Caught off guard, I didn’t know what to say.  We stared at each other for an awkward moment then my brain kicked in, “I don’t know.  I don’t travel in packs.”

He chuckled, “a lone wolf”.

Another awkward silence.  He smiled warmly, picked up his newspaper and began to read.  I pretended to read my book but couldn’t concentrate.  I was thinking about him, sitting just a few feet away.  Wishing he’d call me over.

He’d gesture for me to join him.  My brain would hesitate but my body wouldn’t.  I’d find myself opening the door and getting in the front seat.  I’d be too nervous to look at him and he wouldn’t say a word, he’d just start the car and drive to a secluded area and park.  We’d sit quietly a moment until I had the courage to look at him . Our eyes locked.  What were we about to do?  He’d reach over, put his hand on my cheek.  The warmth of his hand would travel down my body like a current of electricity.  I’d become dizzy from anticipation.  Our rapid breath magnified, our lips yearning, he’d finally lean in and kiss me.
 

Suddenly I was snapped back into reality when my son got in the car.  Then sadly realized the car next to me had already gone.

Well that was fun escape but now it’s time to go make dinner.

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