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Monthly Archives: April 2013

Serial Freak

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And no, I don’t mean he’s koo koo for CoCo Puffs. I saw this article today, categorized under “Weird News” in my local paper: “Police are investigating a number of home burglaries in which the suspect(s) only stole female under garments. The incidents, which appear to be related, have occurred over a six month period. Local police urge anyone with information to please come forward.”

panty theifCould it be Lambert?  It’s  just so demented. I Googled “Panty Thief” and was surprised how many cases there were of people doing this. Is it a conspiracy?  Maybe this is Victoria’s secret. She hires men to steal women’s panties so they’re forced to buy new ones.  They could at least leave a freakin’ coupon.


An Accessory for an Accessory

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Seems like only yesterday I complained about being a bored housewife.  Now, five months later, I’m an accessory to a crime.

As planned, I met Lambert Saturday night.  He wanted to go somewhere private so we met behind an abandoned building at the edge of town. After all the stress I’d been under, I was looking forward to a little demented fun.  Unfortunately fun was not what he had in mind.

We sat in his car.  Lambert wasn’t his usual mysterious, feisty self.  Instead he was high-strung and nervous.  Immediately he broke out the photo album.

“I have to show you something”.  He was excited, like he couldn’t wait to show me.

He opened to a photo of a man in his late 50’s, bald head and hairy chest, in a diaper with a pacifier in his mouth.  Ewww. I don’t get how this could possibly turn someone on.

“Does he look familiar to you?” Lambert asked.  “Focus on his face.”

Lambert covered the guy’s body with his hand.  Actually, he did look familiar. Holy shit…who the hell is that?  I knew him but just couldn’t place him.

Lambert couldn’t wait anymore, “It’s Principal Burke”.

Oh my God it was.  I was in total shock.  “Why are you showing me this?”

“That bastard Burke has done nothing but give me a hard time since I began teaching there.  I’ve put in fifteen years.  He was just a teacher when I started.”

Lambert was angry, this can’t be good.  “What are you gonna do?”

“I want him out, but not before he gives me a glowing recommendation for Vice Principal.”

“That’s blackmail”, I said.   No shit, Captain Obvious.  “I don’t want to be involved in this”.

“You’re already involved Nicole.  But don’t worry, he’ll do anything to keep this from coming out.  Just think of it as payment for getting you out of trouble that night.”

“It sounds like you’re blackmailing me”. I was pissed but also scared shitless.

“Do you really expect me to just sit on this information?  That sounds pretty hypocritical from someone who broke into her step sister’s house.”

He had a point.  Lately I’ve been the queen of revenge.  Dammit. “You’re sure he’ll comply?”

“Nicole, this would ruin him if it got out.” He was very convincing but then he took my hand and turned on the smolder. “I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you.”

I kept  thinking, he knows that I know he stole all my underwear.  Are we never going to mention that?  Then, he kissed me.

He unbuttoned my blouse as he kissed my neck then lightly nibbled my ear and whispered, “Are you with me Nicole?”

I just have no willpower over this sexy, deviant, blackmailing underwear thief.  “Yes, Mister Lambert. I’m with you.”



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A week had passed since Eric returned from his “business trip” and he wasn’t acting any different.  It was torturing me.  I’d think he was doing it on purpose, like psychological warfare, but he isn’t that smart.  How could he be so calm?  Not only did he find out I had discovered his affair with my evil step sister but I trashed her living room, found her adult nursery and saw his man-baby portrait.  Yet he was his normal, douche-bag self…it was diabolical!

I couldn’t take it anymore so I decided to call Carol, the good step sister.  I had to think of an excuse since I just called her on Easter and we only speak a few times a year.  She’s nice enough, we just have nothing in common.  She’s much older than me, lives with a herd of cats and sits around all day making those hideous, random refrigerator magnets you see at the K-Mart checkout.

The magnets.  I’ll tell her I want to learn how to make the magnets.

With a plan in place, I called Carol.  After an excruciating hour of magnet talk she mentioned that someone broke into Shannon’s house while she was away.

“Oh my goodness, that’s terrible!”, I say.

“She’s terrified.  Apparently they wrecked her living room,  smashed everything to bits.  Can you believe people these days?”

“Horrible.  So…was that it?  Just the living room?”

“Well, I probably shouldn’t tell you this but whoever did it…well they…they stole all of her underwear.”


“I know.  Sick.  So I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.  I just got a shipment of crafts so that should keep us busy all day.  Goodbye dear.” Carol hung up.  I just stood there, frozen. 

He went back and stole her underwear.  This is a sickness.  What the hell does he do with them?  Never mind, I don’t want to know.

I had avoided returning Lambert’s texts all week, he kept saying we needed to talk.  Yeah, I guess so.  So I sent him a reply saying I’d been busy and to get in touch with me when he had a chance.

So this morning while crafting cheesy refrigerator magnets with my step sister Carol and her eight cats, Lambert got in touch.  He never mentioned the underwear but told me he returned to Shannon’s house the next morning.   He was afraid I’d get in trouble since I left the photo album out so he went back and took it.  He also said there was something else he had to tell me but it would have to be in person.  So much for avoiding him.  We’re meeting tomorrow night, and I’m NOT going to wear a skirt.

I sure hope his information equals the eight hours of magnet making fun I had with Carol.

frig mag

Sexual Fetishes: Where do you draw the line?

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I never considered myself a prude until recently.  I like sex and admit to being a bit “pervy” on occasion but this whole fetish culture, which seems more visible since the “Fifty Shades of Grey” phenomenon, it just boggles my mind what some of these people are into.   I’m even more shocked at how many people act out these weird and sometimes disturbing fetishes.

So now that I’m heading back into the dating scene, I guess I need to figure out where I draw the line.   And how do I let guys know where my line is?  That’s sort of an odd conversation to have on a first date.   Seated at a table in a nice restaurant, asking those typical first date “getting to know you” questions:

HIM:  “I’ve heard they have really great steaks here.  What’s your favorite food?”

ME:  “I don’t eat red meat but I love fish.  Have you ever licked anyone’s toes?”

HIM:  “Excuse me?”

ME:  “Or used someone as a human toilet?  Have you ever found an animal “attractive”?

HIM:  “Are you joking?”

ME:  “Just answer the questions please.  Do you own any leather garments besides a jacket?  Do you believe pantyhose are just for women?”

HIM:  “This is ridiculous.”

ME:  “Just one more question.  Other than when you were a child, have you ever worn a diaper or dressed up in a furry costume?”

HIM:  “I will not sit through any more of these questions.  And for your information, dressing up in a furry costume and rubbing against my plushy friends is not strange.  It’s comforting.  Goodbye Nicole, you prude.”


Good thing my kids are grown cus I don’t think I could ever go to Disney World again.

As I lay sleeping…(What I Did on My Spring Vacation, Grand Finale)

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After a night of exhausting passion with Mr. Lambert, I slept in for the first time in years.  I woke up at 11, refreshed and ready to deal with what I found out about Eric yesterday.  I called out to see if Lambert was still in the house.  I didn’t think he would be, he told me he had an appointment at 10 am.  I actually appreciated that he didn’t wake me up.  Still naked, I threw on my robe, grabbed a cup of coffee then took a shower.

While in the shower I made a big decision.  I think most clearly in the shower, I’m not sure why.  Anyway, I decided that this marriage has to end.  It’s been over for a while but now he needs to leave.  I know we’re not fooling the kids so what’s the point?  I felt really good about that.  Like a weight had been lifted.

panties on the line

Energized and empowered I went to get dressed for the day only to find that ALL of my underwear was missing.  My panties drawer was empty and I had just done laundry so I knew it was full.  I just stood there, baffled.  He stole my panties?  What the hell?

I checked the hamper, the two pairs I knew were in there were gone.  I checked the dryer, none in there.  Holy crap.  I’ve been panty raided.  Who the hell does that?

So my plans for the day were to go to the gym, meet with the divorce lawyer, do a big food shopping since everyone comes home tomorrow and now I had to add a trip to Victoria’s Secret.  I really need to stay away from this guy.

Part 3 of: What I Did on My Spring Vacation

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At first I wasn’t sure what I was looking at.  It was a nursery, sort of.  The furniture looked like regular furniture that someone had altered to look like baby furniture.  For a really big baby.

“Do you know what this is Nicole?”

“I’m not really sure.  She doesn’t have a baby.”

“This isn’t for a baby, it’s for adults.  It’s a fetish room.  Your step sister is into some really weird shit.”

I still didn’t understand.  I squeezed passed him to get a better look.  Everything was oversized.  Then I saw the huge diapers.  Oh…My…God.

Lambert picked up a large photo album, “My Precious Baby”.  We looked at each other.  I’m sure we were both thinking…don’t open it.  But we had to, out of morbid curiosity.

“Holy shit.”  Lambert slowly flipped through the pages of grown men in diapers, some drinking out of bottles and….ewwwwwwww…Shannon breastfeeding.  He dropped the book and left the room.

Seconds later he called to me from the other room, “Let’s get out of here Nicole, come on.”

I picked up the book and put it back where it was then headed out.  Suddenly something struck me.  I went back in the room and over to the book.  I had to check. I flipped through the pages of these men who, besides the diaper, looked like average guys.  There were at least thirty pages of them and then…there it was.  On the last page.  Eric.  In a diaper.

Lambert came back to the door.  “Nicole, let’s go.  Nicole?”

I couldn’t move.  Shock maybe.  Total shock.  How can this be happening? Who is this person I married?  I felt Lambert next to me, he was looking at the picture too.  “It’s Eric.  My husband”.

He gently took the book from me, put it back where it was and guided me out of the room.  “I don’t understand”, I said.  But I did understand.

Suddenly I got angry.  Furious.  Disgusted.  Humiliated.  You name it, I felt it.

When we got to the living room, I stopped.  I grabbed a vase and threw it across the room…FUCK YOU Eric!.  Then I picked up a Yankee Candle jar…Oh, Macintosh apple, my favorite.  FUCK YOU Shannon!…I threw that too.  Lambert was startled at first but then just let me go.  He stood by the door and watched.

She had a bunch of decorative plates  hanging on the wall, like Frisbees I threw every single one of them.  I smashed her two lamps then picked one up and used it like a bat.  I struck the flat screen TV, then the DVD player.  I smashed everything in sight then stood there and looked at it.  It needed one more thing.

I went back to the demented nursery, picked up the book and brought it back to the living room.  I opened it to Eric’s picture and propped it  in the middle of the mess.

“Are you sure you want to do that?  They’ll obviously know it was you.”

“I want them to know.  I’m ready to go now, Mr. Lambert.”

He took me by the hand and led me out.

When we got to our cars he asked, “Do you wanna go out for a drink or something?”  He was being very sweet actually.  I think he felt sorry for me.  Lambert has a gentle side, what do you know…

I looked at him, oh those smoldering eyes. “Meet me at my house in an hour.  The door will be unlocked.  I’ll be hiding.  Come find me.”

I got in my car and laughed.  Oh Eric.  I’m gonna screw Lambert in our house, in our bed.  You sick son of a bitch.  I always knew you were a big fucking baby. 

hit guy in dapers


Part 2 of: What I Did on My Spring Vacation

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As darkness fell and my bladder filled I realized I needed to do something or risk being eaten alive by raccoons.

I really only had two options. 1) scream until someone called the police or, 2) lop off a boob like James Franco lopped off his arm in that movie “127 Hours”.

The sharpest thing I had in my bag was an Emory board so option 2 was out.  I was going to have to scream and really loud.  The homes are at least an acre apart here.

I ran through the scenario in my head. The police would show up. They’d pull me out and arrest me and of course contact evil Shannon.  I could just picture it.  I’d be locked in a cell while they laughed their asses off in New Orleans.  He’d leave me in jail to rot.  My kids would hate me. When I joked about robbing a bank, being sent to jail didn’t sound so bad.  But now that I was actually faced with the possibility, it scared the crap out of me.  Maybe I’ll opt for number 3, offering myself as a Pupu Platter for raccoons.

As I savored my last minutes as a free, albeit stuck woman, a car pulled down the driveway.  Oh my God.  They came back early.  

The car door shut.  Only one door.  Jesus.  She’s by herself.  She’ll find me and torture me like she did when we were kids.  She’ll stuff something in my mouth so I can’t scream then go in the house and do horrible things like duct tape my feet together then tickle them until I throw up.  Or maybe she’ll…

“Nicole?  Nicole are you here?”  It was Lambert.

“I’m over here.”  It was dark, I couldn’t see him but I heard him getting closer. “Over here.”  Then, through the darkness, I saw him.  “Down here”, I said.

He walked closer and finally spotted me.  He stared at me a moment, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“Hurry up, I have to pee really bad”.

He kneeled in front of me.  “What the hell is going on?”

“I’ll tell you while you pull me out”.

“Okay”.  He assessed the situation then grabbed me under my arms and pulled.  It wasn’t working.

“It feels like my belt loop is stuck on something”, I said.

“Maybe I can reach…” He wedged his arm in the window, trying to find what was stuck.  His crotch was right in my face.  “I can’t get to it.  Shit.”

He pulled his arm out and looked at me, frustrated and confused.  “Whose house is this Nicole?  And why were you sneaking in the window?”

“It’s my step sister’s house.  Well, it was my Dad’s house, but he left it to her.”

“And?” I could tell he wasn’t going to help unless I told him the truth.

“My husband and my step sister are messing around.  Right now they’re together in New Orleans.”

“Well that really sucks.  But it doesn’t explain why you’re hanging out of a window.”

“I just, I was thinking about it and I got mad.  I had a key, she changed the locks.  I don’t know why I came here.  I was just pissed off.”  It sounded stupid because it was stupid.  He could see I was upset and lightened up.

“I have an idea”.  He reached down and squeezed my boob.  I didn’t know what he was doing until my boob slid into the window.  He did the same with the other.  “Okay, now move around and see if you can get your belt loop free.”

I did as he said and it came free right away.  “It’s not stuck anymore.  You can pull me out now.”

“I think our best bet is for you to stick with your original plan and go in.  I’m going to hold your arms as you slide down”.

He held tight as I slowly slid down to the floor.  I stood a moment, my legs were a bit shaky.  He looked down at me through the window.  “Now go open the basement door.  And Nicole…try not to leave any fingerprints.”

Oh yeah, I thought.  Good thinking.  I flipped on the light switch with my elbow then pulled my sleeve over my hand and opened the cellar door.

“It’s open!”  I couldn’t wait, I had to pee so bad.  I sprinted up the steps and tried not to leave any prints as I  ran for the bathroom.  I went in, kicked the door closed and sat.  Oh sweet relief.  Not just my bladder but the whole situation.

When I came out of the bathroom I saw Lambert standing at the end of the hall staring into the spare bedroom. With a stunned expression he turned to me.  “Holy shit Nicole, your step sister is a freak”.

Oh my God what is it?  I was scared to look.  If freaky ass Lambert thought she was a freak it had to be pretty bad.  I had to see it though.  Apprehensively I made my way over, stood behind him and looked over his shoulder.

I couldn’t believe what I saw.  “What the hell?”


Tune in for Part 3 of:  What I Did on My Spring Vacation

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