With my kids at their Grandparent’s in Florida for spring break and my husband away on a supposed business trip, I spent Easter solo for the first time in my life.
Being alone, I felt a sense of peace come over me and soaked it in. Lounging on my chaise, I sipped my coffee while listening to the Ambient channel on my XM Radio. No moody, demanding teenagers working my nerves and no tense run ins with the husband. It was bliss… until my female brain went to work.
I started thinking about my evil step sister, Shannon, who is now fooling around with my husband. I decided to call the good step sister, to wish her a happy Easter and feel her out, wondering if she knew what her bitch sister was up to. This was a bad idea. I didn’t get the impression she knew about the affair but she informed me that Shannon had gone to New Orleans for Easter break. It just so happens New Orleans was Eric’s business trip destination. These two idiots are on vacation together. I felt sick to my stomach. So much for peace.
After two more cups of coffee I was well worked up. Consumed with anger, I needed something, or someone to help me release it. So, I sent Lambert a text, informing him I had the house all to myself this week. A few hours passed with no reply. Ready to jump out of my skin I decided to go out. I just started driving in no specific direction and ended up at Shannon’s house. This was my father’s house, he willed it to her (a story for another time). I spent weekends and holidays there from five to eighteen years old and…I still had a key.
I parked my car at the end of the long driveway and went around to the back door. I started to get excited. What was I going to do when I got in there? Maybe bust a pipe and flood her out. Or glue all her windows shut. So many ideas were running through my head but it didn’t matter because my key didn’t work. The bitch had changed the locks. Now what?
As I stood on the back porch I thought back on how she used to torture me. She really had my father snowed. He never believed me when I told him the things she did, he thought I was jealous of her. But just like a man, he had it backward, she was jealous of me. I was his biological daughter, his blood and that drove her crazy so she did everything she could to drive a wedge between us. It worked.
Now she has her hooks in Eric. I’m sure this makes her feel superior even though I don’t want him anymore. I got myself so pissed off my ears were burning hot. Then I remembered the laundry room window. I had broken the lock when I was a teen so I could sneak back into the house if I missed curfew. I doubt she ever knew it was broken since she’d never be able to slide her fat ass through it.
So I checked and glory be, it was still broken. I put my handbag down, got on my knees and went in legs first. It was a tighter squeeze than it used to be but I managed to slide half-way in and then…I got stuck. Boobs. Dammit. I forgot about the boobs. They’re much bigger now.
I struggled to pull myself out but my arms weren’t strong enough. On the other side my feet just kept sliding on the wall. What a mess.
I tried not to panic but I seriously couldn’t move. Just don’t panic. Whatever you do, don’t panic. Oh my God, I’m going to die like this! How humiliating! And the worst part is, the bitch will think she got the best of me!
Then, in a true “saved by the bell” moment, my phone chimed. I grabbed it out of my bag, it was a text from Lambert. “Leave your front door unlocked, turn off the lights, remove all your clothes and hide. I’ll be there in an hour. Let me find you.”
Oh for Christ’s sake. I’m really over his weirdness but I need him to get me out of here. I texted back. “Mr. Lambert, I need your help. I’m stuck in a window at 153 Stoc”. The low battery signal started flashing. I quickly hit send…the phone turned off. Son of a bitch!
Stay tuned for Part 2 of: What I Did on My Spring Vacation