Whether you’re the police watching a criminal, a private detective snooping on a spouse, a crazy obsessed stalker or just two people trying to find out which perve you’re blackmailing kidnapped a “demented diaperer”, I’ve comprised a list of tips to help you plan a successful stakeout.
The list is in order of major fails, not importance. For those just joining in, I’m hoping to find answers on the whereabouts of my missing stepsister, Shannon. It’s not that I care about this skanky ho who treated me like crap my whole life and then screwed my husband. It’s that I’m afraid I’ll be the prime suspect in her disappearance once her sister Carol decides to report her missing. It’s sort of a no brainer since I broke into her house only days before she vanished.
Anyway, we first chose to stakeout The Honorable George Mason because he seemed to have the most to lose. We watched the not-so-honorable judge’s home for ten long hours and experienced the failures below. The whopper of all fails I’m going to make an unwritten tip…make sure you have the right address! After ten hours of watching we realized we were camped in front of Judge Mason’s rental property occupied by a large Chinese family.
TIPS FOR A SUCCESSFUL STAKEOUT:
1.) MESS-FREE SNACKS – A car probably wasn’t the best place to try and impress Lambert with my cooking skills. Hot crab dip equals hot mess.
2.) BINOCULARS – Yeah. Pretty fricken important. It kinda worries me that we missed this one. Might be why it took us so long to identify Chinese people.
3.) DON’T DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF. Let’s just say that Lambert’s bright yellow classic Vette was not a good idea.
4.) COMFORT – (ties into #3) Bucket seats, gear shift, no backseat. All bad for stakeouts as well as stakeout foreplay.
5.) BATHROOM – A bigger issue for me than Lambert. We were parked in a neighborhood. I couldn’t very well knock on someone’s door and ask to use their “facilities”. We couldn’t leave because we might miss something. I was forced to squat behind a bush and air dry since I used all the napkins to clean the crab dip mess. I’ll be better prepared next time with lots of TP & hand sanitizer.
6.) DON’T DRINK TOO MUCH! – (obviously ties into #5) No Thirsty two ounce sodas from 7-11 !
7.) GAS THE CAR – Another one I’m a little worried we missed. We called it a night but didn’t even make it to the end of the block before we ran out of gas. This is the moment when Lambert caught his first glimpse of the real me. I was tired and so uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was go home, take a warm bath, put on my jammies and get in bed. I shot him a look that said “you’d better get gas in this car as fast as humanly possible or I will literally…yes, literally, rip your fucking head right off your shoulders”. He was back within 20 minutes. Good boy.
We have another stakeout planned for Friday night. We need to find her fast because I just can’t face Lambert’s “Plan B”. He thinks we can trap her kidnapper if I pose as…Nicole the Nanny.