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WP Daily Prompt – The Glass

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THE GLASS

Is it half full or half empty?

An age old question.

A true test of character.

Be careful how you answer, you will be judged.

Personally, I think it depends on how thirsty you are.

GLASS

Remorse for Repercussions of my Revenge?

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Must I remove myself from reality?  Remain repressed, restrain resentment, regretting my response to reprehensible acts by repulsive riffraff? Ridiculous. I rejoice at the results of my refusal to retreat.  I reject responsibility for any ramifications and recognize that my recovery is relevant. I am relaxed, rejuvenated and resolved to rebound.

That being said, I am not responsible and feel no remorse for the following:

Yep, you heard me right.  The bitch is gone.  Last night Carol called in a panic asking if I’d seen her.  Of course I had not.  Then she asked if I would find out if Eric has heard from her.  This leads me to believe Carol is well aware that Shannon and Eric are messing around.  Jesus, if you can’t trust a cat crazy magnet crafter these days, who can you trust?

So, I asked Eric and it went something like this:

“Eric, Carol called very upset.  She believes Shannon has disappeared and wanted me to ask if you’ve seen her.”

“Why would I have seen Shannon?  She’s your sister.  Why would I have seen your sister? What are you implying?”

“I’m not implying anything you fucking moron, I’m relaying a message from Carol.  If anyone is implying something, she is.”

“I think you both are, now that you’re best friends.  Hanging out, making magnets together.”

“How did you know I hung out with Carol?  I never told you that.”  Ha!  Let’s hear what you have to say now….

“I know things Nicole.  I know more than you think I know.  I happen to know all about so much around here that my head hurts.  It’s a lot of information and I have it all stored and it’s going to come out at the right time and you’re not going to look so smart when it does come out.”

nascar crashI was mesmerized.  It was like watching an accident in slow motion and his car was spinning out of control.  He kept talking as he nervously began to shove clothes into a bag.

“Like I know you went out and bought all new underwear.  Who did you do that for?  That’s right.  I found the receipt and don’t think I won’t use that in court.  Men know why women buy new underwear so don’t act all innocent with me.  I know what you’re up to, I know.  How dare you accuse me of anything.  I’m not putting up with that.  No sir.  I’m outta here.”

With that he zipped up his bag, threw it over his shoulder and headed up the stairs but before he reached the top I got in a quick response.

You’re really acting like a baby Eric.  Better be careful or you’ll do a poopy in your diaper.”

Through the rail I could see his feet stop on the top step.  I can only guess what was going through his head at that moment.  “Whaaaa.  Whaaaa.  Whaaaa!”

Then he left.  Goodbye fuckwad!

Before my relaxing and celebratory bubble bath I texted Lambert.  We chatted about Shannon and he said he might have an idea what happened to her.  Oh God…now what?  We’re meeting tomorrow night to discuss it.  Calgon, take me away…..

My Favorite Vice…

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Vice:  a behavior or habit generally considered immoral, depraved, or degrading.  Synonyms for vice include:  depravity, sin, wickedness, and corruption.

So what’s my favorite vice?

It’s not chocolate or vodka…or chocolate vodka.

chocolate-vodka-martini

It’s not ice cream or tattoos…or ice cream tattoos.

ice ream tattoo

It’s not johnsons or flashy clothes…or Johnsons in flashy clothes.

dj vice

My favorite vice is…Vice Principal Lambert.

smoulder 3

Officially announced at last night’s school board meeting:  due to “personal reasons” Principal Burke handed in his resignation.  Effective immediately, current VP Beth Little will take over as Principal and Mr. Lambert as Vice Principal.

The meeting was pretty crowded and they both gave brief “thank you” speeches.  Lambert thanked his co-workers for their support, thanked Mr. Burke for his “recommendation” and lastly he said:

“I also want to thank the most important woman in my life.  If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be where I am now”…

I looked around the room trying to figure out who the hell he was going to thank.

“Nicole”…HOLY SHIT!!…”Lambert”…HUH??? “My mother“.

His mother’s name is Nicole? Ding, ding, ding…we have reached the top of the Creep-O-Meter.

“Come up here Mom”.  We all watched old Mother Lambert inch up to the stage with her walker.

“My Mother taught me everything I know.  Thank you Mom.”

Everything? I guess I should thank her too.  Thanks Mrs. Lambert!  Now can you please tell your son to give me my undies back?

Serial Freak

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And no, I don’t mean he’s koo koo for CoCo Puffs. I saw this article today, categorized under “Weird News” in my local paper: “Police are investigating a number of home burglaries in which the suspect(s) only stole female under garments. The incidents, which appear to be related, have occurred over a six month period. Local police urge anyone with information to please come forward.”

panty theifCould it be Lambert?  It’s  just so demented. I Googled “Panty Thief” and was surprised how many cases there were of people doing this. Is it a conspiracy?  Maybe this is Victoria’s secret. She hires men to steal women’s panties so they’re forced to buy new ones.  They could at least leave a freakin’ coupon.

An Accessory for an Accessory

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Seems like only yesterday I complained about being a bored housewife.  Now, five months later, I’m an accessory to a crime.

As planned, I met Lambert Saturday night.  He wanted to go somewhere private so we met behind an abandoned building at the edge of town. After all the stress I’d been under, I was looking forward to a little demented fun.  Unfortunately fun was not what he had in mind.

We sat in his car.  Lambert wasn’t his usual mysterious, feisty self.  Instead he was high-strung and nervous.  Immediately he broke out the photo album.

“I have to show you something”.  He was excited, like he couldn’t wait to show me.

He opened to a photo of a man in his late 50’s, bald head and hairy chest, in a diaper with a pacifier in his mouth.  Ewww. I don’t get how this could possibly turn someone on.

“Does he look familiar to you?” Lambert asked.  “Focus on his face.”

Lambert covered the guy’s body with his hand.  Actually, he did look familiar. Holy shit…who the hell is that?  I knew him but just couldn’t place him.

Lambert couldn’t wait anymore, “It’s Principal Burke”.

Oh my God it was.  I was in total shock.  “Why are you showing me this?”

“That bastard Burke has done nothing but give me a hard time since I began teaching there.  I’ve put in fifteen years.  He was just a teacher when I started.”

Lambert was angry, this can’t be good.  “What are you gonna do?”

“I want him out, but not before he gives me a glowing recommendation for Vice Principal.”

“That’s blackmail”, I said.   No shit, Captain Obvious.  “I don’t want to be involved in this”.

“You’re already involved Nicole.  But don’t worry, he’ll do anything to keep this from coming out.  Just think of it as payment for getting you out of trouble that night.”

“It sounds like you’re blackmailing me”. I was pissed but also scared shitless.

“Do you really expect me to just sit on this information?  That sounds pretty hypocritical from someone who broke into her step sister’s house.”

He had a point.  Lately I’ve been the queen of revenge.  Dammit. “You’re sure he’ll comply?”

“Nicole, this would ruin him if it got out.” He was very convincing but then he took my hand and turned on the smolder. “I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you.”

I kept  thinking, he knows that I know he stole all my underwear.  Are we never going to mention that?  Then, he kissed me.

He unbuttoned my blouse as he kissed my neck then lightly nibbled my ear and whispered, “Are you with me Nicole?”

I just have no willpower over this sexy, deviant, blackmailing underwear thief.  “Yes, Mister Lambert. I’m with you.”

cuffs

Magnetism

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A week had passed since Eric returned from his “business trip” and he wasn’t acting any different.  It was torturing me.  I’d think he was doing it on purpose, like psychological warfare, but he isn’t that smart.  How could he be so calm?  Not only did he find out I had discovered his affair with my evil step sister but I trashed her living room, found her adult nursery and saw his man-baby portrait.  Yet he was his normal, douche-bag self…it was diabolical!

I couldn’t take it anymore so I decided to call Carol, the good step sister.  I had to think of an excuse since I just called her on Easter and we only speak a few times a year.  She’s nice enough, we just have nothing in common.  She’s much older than me, lives with a herd of cats and sits around all day making those hideous, random refrigerator magnets you see at the K-Mart checkout.

The magnets.  I’ll tell her I want to learn how to make the magnets.

With a plan in place, I called Carol.  After an excruciating hour of magnet talk she mentioned that someone broke into Shannon’s house while she was away.

“Oh my goodness, that’s terrible!”, I say.

“She’s terrified.  Apparently they wrecked her living room,  smashed everything to bits.  Can you believe people these days?”

“Horrible.  So…was that it?  Just the living room?”

“Well, I probably shouldn’t tell you this but whoever did it…well they…they stole all of her underwear.”

“WHAT?!”

“I know.  Sick.  So I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.  I just got a shipment of crafts so that should keep us busy all day.  Goodbye dear.” Carol hung up.  I just stood there, frozen. 

He went back and stole her underwear.  This is a sickness.  What the hell does he do with them?  Never mind, I don’t want to know.

I had avoided returning Lambert’s texts all week, he kept saying we needed to talk.  Yeah, I guess so.  So I sent him a reply saying I’d been busy and to get in touch with me when he had a chance.

So this morning while crafting cheesy refrigerator magnets with my step sister Carol and her eight cats, Lambert got in touch.  He never mentioned the underwear but told me he returned to Shannon’s house the next morning.   He was afraid I’d get in trouble since I left the photo album out so he went back and took it.  He also said there was something else he had to tell me but it would have to be in person.  So much for avoiding him.  We’re meeting tomorrow night, and I’m NOT going to wear a skirt.

I sure hope his information equals the eight hours of magnet making fun I had with Carol.

frig mag

Sexual Fetishes: Where do you draw the line?

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I never considered myself a prude until recently.  I like sex and admit to being a bit “pervy” on occasion but this whole fetish culture, which seems more visible since the “Fifty Shades of Grey” phenomenon, it just boggles my mind what some of these people are into.   I’m even more shocked at how many people act out these weird and sometimes disturbing fetishes.

So now that I’m heading back into the dating scene, I guess I need to figure out where I draw the line.   And how do I let guys know where my line is?  That’s sort of an odd conversation to have on a first date.   Seated at a table in a nice restaurant, asking those typical first date “getting to know you” questions:

HIM:  “I’ve heard they have really great steaks here.  What’s your favorite food?”

ME:  “I don’t eat red meat but I love fish.  Have you ever licked anyone’s toes?”

HIM:  “Excuse me?”

ME:  “Or used someone as a human toilet?  Have you ever found an animal “attractive”?

HIM:  “Are you joking?”

ME:  “Just answer the questions please.  Do you own any leather garments besides a jacket?  Do you believe pantyhose are just for women?”

HIM:  “This is ridiculous.”

ME:  “Just one more question.  Other than when you were a child, have you ever worn a diaper or dressed up in a furry costume?”

HIM:  “I will not sit through any more of these questions.  And for your information, dressing up in a furry costume and rubbing against my plushy friends is not strange.  It’s comforting.  Goodbye Nicole, you prude.”

furries

Good thing my kids are grown cus I don’t think I could ever go to Disney World again.

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