RSS Feed

Tag Archives: non fiction

I am Nightcrawler…Part II

Posted on

(continued)

I couldn’t figure it out.  There was a long, dark hall and many doors, some with light peeking underneath. I heard muffled voices, laughter…moaning.  Oh shit.  The moaning got louder, deeper then…a whip cracked followed by a scream.  That’s it, I’m outta here.

I reached for the door but there was no handle. I ran my hands all over the door.  I started to freak.  Don’t panic Nicole, there has to be a handle. I took a deep, cleansing breath then tried again...holy shit, there’s no handle!  How do I get out of here?!

Suddenly the door clicked.   A man’s voice came from the other side. “I won’t be long so park close”, he said to someone.

My instincts told me to run.  I sprinted down the hall, slipped into a dark room and shut the door.   Man it was dark.  For real, pitch black.  I searched the wall for a light switch.  Nothing.  Great.  I reached for the door…NO HANDLE!  Jesus!  Who designed this place?  Ted Bundy?

I heard someone breathing then…someone touched me.

I screamed.  Like a really good horror movie scream.

From the darkness….”Shhhh”.

“Who are you?  How do I get out of here?” I asked.

Again, “shhhhhh”.  But this time it came from more than one person.

I stood there, terrified then someone took my hand, tender, non threatening.  I was led through the room. I shivered as various hands touched my body along the way then, a door opened allowing a faint sliver of light in.  I turned, caught a glimpse before the door closed behind me.  There were at least twenty naked women in that room.

On the other side of the door I was able to see my rescuer; a handsome man with crystal blue eyes and a warm smile.

blue eyed guy

When I got my bearings I realized we were in a lounge.  He led me to a table and like a gentleman, pulled my chair out then sat across from me.

“You okay?”  he asked.

“I guess so.  What the hell was that?”

I nervously looked around.  The place was  intimate, lit with candles and decorated with couches as well as tables and chairs.  There were people scattered about.  Some mingled and sipped drinks, a few more cozy couples whispered and giggled, and in the corner one couple was in a full make-out hump session on a couch. Whoa…that’s graphic.  He caught me staring.

“Your first time here?  Didn’t you get a menu?”

“Menu? No.  I, ahh..”

He pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket.  It was a layout of the place and each room had a name.

“What room were you trying to find?”

“I’m not sure.”

He stared at me a moment, like he was trying to figure me out.  Wow…I’ve never seen eyes like that before.

“Who are you here with?” he asked. “You signed the waiver when you came in, didn’t you?”

I didn’t know what to say. He realized I was uncomfortable.  “Never mind.  That’s none of my business. How about just telling me your name”.

“Nicole”.  You told him your real name?  You’re a dumb ass! 

“Nicole…I’m Mason and I’ll be your tour guide here at The Chamber”.

“The Chamber?” I asked.

“Okay.  I don’t even want to know why you don’t know where you are.  Let’s just take a look at the menu so you don’t end up somewhere that will scar you for life, like here”. He pointed at a room labeled…

“Plushie Paradise?” I asked, not understanding what I just read.

“It’s where people dress up in animal costumes and hump each other”, he said.  “You don’t seem that depraved.  I’m assuming that’s not what you’re here for”.

Confused, I read the other room names.  “Whip it?”

“That’s pretty self explanatory.  It can be fun although sometimes people get carried away and it really hurts”, he said.

I read another room name, “The Confessional?”

“Yeah.  It’s pretty sick.  People confess to a priest or nun then they, well, have to do their penance.  It’s more popular than you’d think”.

This place is demented.  I needed to know more.  “What’s the Womb Room?” I asked.

“Nicole…you don’t want to know.  The Walking Dead Room is new.  Zombie sex. Zombies are really popular right now”.

I studied the map for an escape.  “Is this Back Door room a way out?”

He laughed.  “Not quite.  It’s, well…you know”.

I didn’t know.  I had no idea what he was talking about or what this fucking place was.  I just wanted to get out of here. Oh wait…back door.  I get it. No, not going there.  Eric tried to sneak in there once and I was in pain for a week.  Never, ever again…ever.  Ouch.

There were a few more rooms on the map. “What’s the Crib”?

“Grownup babies.  Adult diapers, bottle feedings, spanking, Nannies”, he answered.

BINGO!!

“Mostly men go in there, if you can believe it.”  He smiled warmly. “I guess we never really grow up.”

I’m not sure I wanted the answer, but I asked anyway…”Are you into that kind of thing?”  Please say no…you’re too fricken cute.

“No”, he laughed.  “Not into anything like that.  By the way, if you need to use the bathroom, don’t go into the room labeled The Bathroom…it’s a horror show in there.  Use the Ladies Room.”

“Oooh.  Thanks for the warning”.  Well, what now Nicole?   I need to go into the Crib but if I tell him, he’ll think I’m a freak.

“Do you want a drink?”  He asked.   “I know I could use one.”

“Yes.  Me too, thanks.”

“Margarita?” he asked.

“Perfect. I’m going to run to the Ladies Room. I’ll take my map.”

“Don’t get lost”. He shot me a killer smile then headed to the bar.

I didn’t have much time.  The doors on this side weren’t labeled but according to the map, “The Crib” was two doors down from the room we came out of which was…checking the map….The Hoedown?  Huh?  Isn’t that like square dancing?  I’m confused.

I took my chances and slowly cracked open the door.  Nursery type music played softly in the background.  I gathered some nerve and peeked in.

Oh God…I’m going to need a lobotomy after this.

Advertisements

Tips for a Successful Stakeout

Posted on

Whether you’re the police watching a criminal, a private detective snooping on a spouse, a crazy obsessed stalker or just two people trying to find out which perve you’re blackmailing kidnapped a “demented diaperer”, I’ve comprised a list of tips to help you plan a successful stakeout.

The list is in order of major fails, not importance.  For those just joining in, I’m hoping to find answers on the whereabouts of my missing stepsister, Shannon. It’s not that I care about this skanky ho who treated me like crap my whole life and then screwed my husband.  It’s that I’m afraid I’ll be the prime suspect in her disappearance once her sister Carol decides to report her missing.  It’s sort of a no brainer since I broke into her house only days before she vanished.

Anyway, we first chose to stakeout The Honorable George Mason because he seemed to have the most to lose.  We watched the not-so-honorable judge’s home for ten long hours and experienced the failures below.  The whopper of all fails I’m going to make an unwritten tip…make sure you have the right address!  After ten hours of watching we realized we were camped in front of Judge Mason’s rental property occupied by a large Chinese family.

TIPS FOR A SUCCESSFUL STAKEOUT:

1.) MESS-FREE SNACKS – A car probably wasn’t the best place to try and impress Lambert with my cooking skills.  Hot crab dip equals hot mess.

stakeout - appetizers snacks

2.)  BINOCULARS – Yeah.  Pretty fricken important.  It kinda worries me that we missed this one.  Might be why it took us so long to identify Chinese people.

stakeout - binoculars

3.) DON’T DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF.  Let’s just say that Lambert’s bright yellow classic Vette was not a good idea.

stakeout yellow vette

4.) COMFORT – (ties into #3) Bucket seats, gear shift, no backseat.  All bad for stakeouts as well as stakeout foreplay.

5.) BATHROOM – A bigger issue for me than Lambert.  We were parked in a neighborhood.  I couldn’t very well knock on someone’s door and ask to use their “facilities”.  We couldn’t leave because we might miss something.  I was forced to squat behind a bush and air dry since I used all the napkins to clean the crab dip mess.  I’ll be better prepared next time with lots of TP & hand sanitizer.

6.) DON’T DRINK TOO MUCH! – (obviously ties into #5) No Thirsty two ounce sodas from 7-11 !

7.) GAS THE CAR – Another one I’m a little worried we missed.  We called it a night but didn’t even make it to the end of the block before we ran out of gas.  This is the moment when Lambert caught his first glimpse of the real me.  I was tired and so uncomfortable.  All I wanted to do was go home, take a warm bath, put on my jammies and get in bed.  I shot him a look that said “you’d better get gas in this car as fast as humanly possible or I will literally…yes, literally, rip your fucking head right off your shoulders”.  He was back within 20 minutes.  Good boy.

stakeout Run-out-of-gas

We have another stakeout planned for Friday night.  We need to find her fast because I just can’t face Lambert’s “Plan B”.  He thinks we can trap her kidnapper if I pose as…Nicole the Nanny.

I need a catchy title…

Posted on

The events of this past month are truly book-worthy.  How about, “The Nanny Napper” or maybe “The Disappearance of the Diapering She-Devil”. Wait…I’ve got it!  “The Scandalous Secrets of Shanny the Nanny”.

“Shanny the Nanny” is what Shannon (my evil step sister),  calls herself.  More importantly, this is what her clients call her.  Shanny’s long client list include not only the newly retired Principal Burke, but many other high-profile names.  How do I know this?  Because Lambert confessed to not only retrieving the bizarre man-baby photo album from Shannon’s house, but grabbing her computer as well.

That was the first bombshell.  Then came the second.

Lambert anonymously used some incriminating information he found on her computer against several of these high-profile clients.  I guess he saw how well it worked with Principal Burke so he thought what the hell, I’ll just bribe, extort and threaten some high-ranking people. He thinks one of these people thought it was Shannon making the threats so they…well…who knows what they did to her but she’s gone!  Was she fitted for cement shoes?  Sent on a one way trip to Siberia?  Put into a wood chipper and is now fertilizer? Right now it’s a mystery only a few of us know about because Carol doesn’t want to report her missing yet.

Now for number three.  Eric was served his divorce papers at work yesterday.  I totally forgot that I had listed his affair with Shannon as one of the reasons for divorce.  Cut to the chase…Eric thinks I’m responsible for Shannon’s disappearance.  Once he realized I knew about the affair and the diaper thing, he put the pieces together and figured out I was the one who broke into Shannon’s house and trashed it.  So of course it looks like I took the photo album and her computer.  Holy crap what a mess.  He threatened to tell the police so I threatened to make his diaper photo and his affair with my step sister public.  We ended in a stalemate…for now.

So what the hell happens now?  Guilt riddled Lambert thinks we should do some detective work.  He had contacted four people on that list so it has to be one of them.  I always wanted to be Nancy Drew. Who should Lambert be?  Sherlock Holmes? (the Robert Downey Jr. version) Or Magnum P.I.?  Nah..I’m not a moustache gal.  I do however, really dig ascots…ZOIKS!

freddie and daphne

Remorse for Repercussions of my Revenge?

Posted on

Must I remove myself from reality?  Remain repressed, restrain resentment, regretting my response to reprehensible acts by repulsive riffraff? Ridiculous. I rejoice at the results of my refusal to retreat.  I reject responsibility for any ramifications and recognize that my recovery is relevant. I am relaxed, rejuvenated and resolved to rebound.

That being said, I am not responsible and feel no remorse for the following:

Yep, you heard me right.  The bitch is gone.  Last night Carol called in a panic asking if I’d seen her.  Of course I had not.  Then she asked if I would find out if Eric has heard from her.  This leads me to believe Carol is well aware that Shannon and Eric are messing around.  Jesus, if you can’t trust a cat crazy magnet crafter these days, who can you trust?

So, I asked Eric and it went something like this:

“Eric, Carol called very upset.  She believes Shannon has disappeared and wanted me to ask if you’ve seen her.”

“Why would I have seen Shannon?  She’s your sister.  Why would I have seen your sister? What are you implying?”

“I’m not implying anything you fucking moron, I’m relaying a message from Carol.  If anyone is implying something, she is.”

“I think you both are, now that you’re best friends.  Hanging out, making magnets together.”

“How did you know I hung out with Carol?  I never told you that.”  Ha!  Let’s hear what you have to say now….

“I know things Nicole.  I know more than you think I know.  I happen to know all about so much around here that my head hurts.  It’s a lot of information and I have it all stored and it’s going to come out at the right time and you’re not going to look so smart when it does come out.”

nascar crashI was mesmerized.  It was like watching an accident in slow motion and his car was spinning out of control.  He kept talking as he nervously began to shove clothes into a bag.

“Like I know you went out and bought all new underwear.  Who did you do that for?  That’s right.  I found the receipt and don’t think I won’t use that in court.  Men know why women buy new underwear so don’t act all innocent with me.  I know what you’re up to, I know.  How dare you accuse me of anything.  I’m not putting up with that.  No sir.  I’m outta here.”

With that he zipped up his bag, threw it over his shoulder and headed up the stairs but before he reached the top I got in a quick response.

You’re really acting like a baby Eric.  Better be careful or you’ll do a poopy in your diaper.”

Through the rail I could see his feet stop on the top step.  I can only guess what was going through his head at that moment.  “Whaaaa.  Whaaaa.  Whaaaa!”

Then he left.  Goodbye fuckwad!

Before my relaxing and celebratory bubble bath I texted Lambert.  We chatted about Shannon and he said he might have an idea what happened to her.  Oh God…now what?  We’re meeting tomorrow night to discuss it.  Calgon, take me away…..

My Favorite Vice…

Posted on

Vice:  a behavior or habit generally considered immoral, depraved, or degrading.  Synonyms for vice include:  depravity, sin, wickedness, and corruption.

So what’s my favorite vice?

It’s not chocolate or vodka…or chocolate vodka.

chocolate-vodka-martini

It’s not ice cream or tattoos…or ice cream tattoos.

ice ream tattoo

It’s not johnsons or flashy clothes…or Johnsons in flashy clothes.

dj vice

My favorite vice is…Vice Principal Lambert.

smoulder 3

Officially announced at last night’s school board meeting:  due to “personal reasons” Principal Burke handed in his resignation.  Effective immediately, current VP Beth Little will take over as Principal and Mr. Lambert as Vice Principal.

The meeting was pretty crowded and they both gave brief “thank you” speeches.  Lambert thanked his co-workers for their support, thanked Mr. Burke for his “recommendation” and lastly he said:

“I also want to thank the most important woman in my life.  If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be where I am now”…

I looked around the room trying to figure out who the hell he was going to thank.

“Nicole”…HOLY SHIT!!…”Lambert”…HUH??? “My mother“.

His mother’s name is Nicole? Ding, ding, ding…we have reached the top of the Creep-O-Meter.

“Come up here Mom”.  We all watched old Mother Lambert inch up to the stage with her walker.

“My Mother taught me everything I know.  Thank you Mom.”

Everything? I guess I should thank her too.  Thanks Mrs. Lambert!  Now can you please tell your son to give me my undies back?

Serial Freak

Posted on

And no, I don’t mean he’s koo koo for CoCo Puffs. I saw this article today, categorized under “Weird News” in my local paper: “Police are investigating a number of home burglaries in which the suspect(s) only stole female under garments. The incidents, which appear to be related, have occurred over a six month period. Local police urge anyone with information to please come forward.”

panty theifCould it be Lambert?  It’s  just so demented. I Googled “Panty Thief” and was surprised how many cases there were of people doing this. Is it a conspiracy?  Maybe this is Victoria’s secret. She hires men to steal women’s panties so they’re forced to buy new ones.  They could at least leave a freakin’ coupon.

An Accessory for an Accessory

Posted on

Seems like only yesterday I complained about being a bored housewife.  Now, five months later, I’m an accessory to a crime.

As planned, I met Lambert Saturday night.  He wanted to go somewhere private so we met behind an abandoned building at the edge of town. After all the stress I’d been under, I was looking forward to a little demented fun.  Unfortunately fun was not what he had in mind.

We sat in his car.  Lambert wasn’t his usual mysterious, feisty self.  Instead he was high-strung and nervous.  Immediately he broke out the photo album.

“I have to show you something”.  He was excited, like he couldn’t wait to show me.

He opened to a photo of a man in his late 50’s, bald head and hairy chest, in a diaper with a pacifier in his mouth.  Ewww. I don’t get how this could possibly turn someone on.

“Does he look familiar to you?” Lambert asked.  “Focus on his face.”

Lambert covered the guy’s body with his hand.  Actually, he did look familiar. Holy shit…who the hell is that?  I knew him but just couldn’t place him.

Lambert couldn’t wait anymore, “It’s Principal Burke”.

Oh my God it was.  I was in total shock.  “Why are you showing me this?”

“That bastard Burke has done nothing but give me a hard time since I began teaching there.  I’ve put in fifteen years.  He was just a teacher when I started.”

Lambert was angry, this can’t be good.  “What are you gonna do?”

“I want him out, but not before he gives me a glowing recommendation for Vice Principal.”

“That’s blackmail”, I said.   No shit, Captain Obvious.  “I don’t want to be involved in this”.

“You’re already involved Nicole.  But don’t worry, he’ll do anything to keep this from coming out.  Just think of it as payment for getting you out of trouble that night.”

“It sounds like you’re blackmailing me”. I was pissed but also scared shitless.

“Do you really expect me to just sit on this information?  That sounds pretty hypocritical from someone who broke into her step sister’s house.”

He had a point.  Lately I’ve been the queen of revenge.  Dammit. “You’re sure he’ll comply?”

“Nicole, this would ruin him if it got out.” He was very convincing but then he took my hand and turned on the smolder. “I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you.”

I kept  thinking, he knows that I know he stole all my underwear.  Are we never going to mention that?  Then, he kissed me.

He unbuttoned my blouse as he kissed my neck then lightly nibbled my ear and whispered, “Are you with me Nicole?”

I just have no willpower over this sexy, deviant, blackmailing underwear thief.  “Yes, Mister Lambert. I’m with you.”

cuffs

%d bloggers like this: