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Tips for a Successful Stakeout

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Whether you’re the police watching a criminal, a private detective snooping on a spouse, a crazy obsessed stalker or just two people trying to find out which perve you’re blackmailing kidnapped a “demented diaperer”, I’ve comprised a list of tips to help you plan a successful stakeout.

The list is in order of major fails, not importance.  For those just joining in, I’m hoping to find answers on the whereabouts of my missing stepsister, Shannon. It’s not that I care about this skanky ho who treated me like crap my whole life and then screwed my husband.  It’s that I’m afraid I’ll be the prime suspect in her disappearance once her sister Carol decides to report her missing.  It’s sort of a no brainer since I broke into her house only days before she vanished.

Anyway, we first chose to stakeout The Honorable George Mason because he seemed to have the most to lose.  We watched the not-so-honorable judge’s home for ten long hours and experienced the failures below.  The whopper of all fails I’m going to make an unwritten tip…make sure you have the right address!  After ten hours of watching we realized we were camped in front of Judge Mason’s rental property occupied by a large Chinese family.


1.) MESS-FREE SNACKS – A car probably wasn’t the best place to try and impress Lambert with my cooking skills.  Hot crab dip equals hot mess.

stakeout - appetizers snacks

2.)  BINOCULARS – Yeah.  Pretty fricken important.  It kinda worries me that we missed this one.  Might be why it took us so long to identify Chinese people.

stakeout - binoculars

3.) DON’T DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF.  Let’s just say that Lambert’s bright yellow classic Vette was not a good idea.

stakeout yellow vette

4.) COMFORT – (ties into #3) Bucket seats, gear shift, no backseat.  All bad for stakeouts as well as stakeout foreplay.

5.) BATHROOM – A bigger issue for me than Lambert.  We were parked in a neighborhood.  I couldn’t very well knock on someone’s door and ask to use their “facilities”.  We couldn’t leave because we might miss something.  I was forced to squat behind a bush and air dry since I used all the napkins to clean the crab dip mess.  I’ll be better prepared next time with lots of TP & hand sanitizer.

6.) DON’T DRINK TOO MUCH! – (obviously ties into #5) No Thirsty two ounce sodas from 7-11 !

7.) GAS THE CAR – Another one I’m a little worried we missed.  We called it a night but didn’t even make it to the end of the block before we ran out of gas.  This is the moment when Lambert caught his first glimpse of the real me.  I was tired and so uncomfortable.  All I wanted to do was go home, take a warm bath, put on my jammies and get in bed.  I shot him a look that said “you’d better get gas in this car as fast as humanly possible or I will literally…yes, literally, rip your fucking head right off your shoulders”.  He was back within 20 minutes.  Good boy.

stakeout Run-out-of-gas

We have another stakeout planned for Friday night.  We need to find her fast because I just can’t face Lambert’s “Plan B”.  He thinks we can trap her kidnapper if I pose as…Nicole the Nanny.


There’s No Place Like Home…sometimes that’s not a good thing.

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red slippers

Five minutes after I returned home from my vacation I was hoping a house would fall on me.  Not only had nothing changed, it had gotten worse.

Eric greeted me with a scowl, which remained on his face until my expression change when I saw the state of the house.  He and the kids thought it was funny.  My daughter howled, “looks like you had a party Dad”.  Every room was more disgusting than the next, especially the bedroom.  It looked like a tornado, (sticking with the Wizard of Oz theme), ripped through it.  It was such a mess it took me a few minutes to realize Eric’s things were gone.

As I unpacked and straightened the bedroom, Eric poked his head in.  “Have a nice trip”?

I just looked at him, I had no words.  I don’t even know who he is anymore.  I went back to unpacking.

“I guess you noticed I’ve moved my things out”.  Without looking at him I answered, “no, didn’t notice”.  

Not gonna let him get to me, not gonna do it.

“I moved downstairs”, he said.

“With the dogs?  You’ll fit right in”, I said. I kept thinking that every word spoken here drives another nail into this coffin.

“Me?  Are you blaming me for this?  After what you’ve done”?  The fact that this response didn’t even get a rise out of me sealed it.  I don’t love this person anymore.  And not caring enough to fight, I stayed calm.  I also didn’t want the kids to come back to this, after a great vacation.  So I walked by him, like he was a stranger.  That’s what it felt like.

I ordered Chinese and set the table.  I set a place for Eric and after some coaxing from the kids, he sat with us.  I was cheerful, the kids laughed and told stories about their trip and Eric’s big dramatic moment fizzled.

Later I told the kids he had moved downstairs but as far as I knew, no one was moving out, things were still up in the air and we’d let them know if anything changes.  They took it surprisingly well.  Maybe they expected it, who knows.  Sometimes kids are more in tune than we give them credit for.  So no dramatic moment there either.  Thank goodness for that.

Rolling along on my novel now.  And I’m thinking about entering a short story competition.  I could use the challenge and a deadline.  I need to keep my mind occupied.  At least I don’t have to share my bedroom with a stranger anymore…or my closets!  Hey!  I get all the closets!  Sahweeet!

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high…there’s an big empty closet, so clothes and some shoes I’ll buy.


Being happy makes me tired.

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Beach writ

“Try to stay positive”.

“Look at the bright side of things”.

“Keep your chin up ole chum”…

Following the advice of these clichés is exhausting.  It really sucks when you have to work hard at being happy.

My kids and I are still on vacation.  The weather has been beautiful and they’re having a blast.  Life could be worse, right?  Especially with so many terrible things going on in the world I feel guilty even admitting I’m miserable. But my marriage is over and things are a mess back home.  No world disaster is going to make me feel better about that.  I will get through it though.  I will persevere.  And writing will help me along.

I’ve written more pages for my novel and I’ve even written a short story.  I added a “My Fiction Stories” category to this blog and if I feel brave enough, maybe I’ll post it.  Right now it’s all just exercise, even the novel.

The kids spoke to Eric on the phone last night.  He didn’t ask to talk to me, not that I really wanted to talk to him.  I do wonder what he’s doing.  Now that he and Cindy ended things, who’s he rolling around in our bed with?  I wish I had some spies on my block.  I used to, my friend Mary but she moved last year.  She was great, not like the rest of these phonies.  She was real.  I could have called her and asked, “Mary, keep an eye on Eric while I’m gone.  Let me know if there are any strange cars in the driveway, take down license plate numbers, collect DNA samples”.

The lady that lives there now keeps to herself.  We wave if we see each other as we retrieve our mail or get into our cars.  But I sure couldn’t ask her to spy.  “Hey, lady who always wears pink sweatpants…tonight, could you sneak over to my house and peep into my bedroom window and tell me who my husband is boning?”.  I could use another Mary.

I’m going to take a walk on the beach now.  I went last night, around the same time and passed a really nice looking man who was walking his dog.  We smiled at each other, a little flirty I thought.  If nothing else I could use some companionship.  Not that I don’t love my parents but if I have to spend another night playing Scrabble with the two slowest players ever, I might have to shove the tile racks into my eyeballs.

Heartache or just indigestion?

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Sometimes I wish I was a child again… a skinned knee heals quicker than a broken heart.


My heart does ache but I don’t think it’s over the loss of Ryan.  What did I really lose there anyway?  He wasn’t even mine to lose.  I think my heart aches for the loss of my life.  The life I shared with Eric.  It wasn’t all negative.  We had some great times, we raised two beautiful children together.  It’s just run out of air.  We’re suffocating.

The question is, can I keep it together for five hundred and forty something more days?  I’ve been lonely for a long time.  Over three years.  That’s when Eric and I began to drift apart and were either too tired or just didn’t care enough to try.  The passion was gone. Can you even get that back?  I wonder.  I really don’t know.  I thought I didn’t have any left, like it had dried up inside me like an old prune.  But Ryan showed me it was still there.  I’m still alive and have renewed hope that maybe I have another chance at love.  A second chapter. When I think of it that way my heart doesn’t ache as much.

Funny, I could never have imagined my life without Eric.  I was in it till death, really. But now I can’t imagine him in it.  I’m sad, scared and also a little excited.

To put things into perspective, it’s not my heart that’s aching for Ryan.  No…I’m aching down South.  Literally. He woke something up down there all right.  Let’s hope it’s not some crazy beast with an insatiable appetite!  Suddenly I picture myself as a lion tamer, equipped with a whip and chair.  But how do I tame the lioness?  Silly…I toss the whip and chair aside and step into…a cold shower.  I quickly jump out because it’s cold and that sucks.  I sit cross-legged, eyes closed, controlled breath and meditate.  Think relaxing thoughts.  A beautiful meadow.  A light breeze.  The sun warms my face.  I open my eyes, Ryan stands before me.  He leans down and pulls me up, holds me tight against his naked, chiseled chest.  He kisses my neck, his warm breath melts me.  Okay…that didn’t work.

Writing.  Yes.  Writing will get me through this.  I’m rusty, not that I was well oiled to begin with.  So I will dedicate this time to learn, improve and practice my writing.  Good plan!

They’re All Gonna Laugh At You…

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2013…Off to a banging start!  I made a public spectacle of myself, had someone arrested, threw up on Ryan, called his wife a bunch of names and got banned from the Club…forever.  Oh yeah, and Eric picked me up from the hospital and I had to tell him the whole story.

The Whole Story” (actually, the condensed version):  The night started off fine.  I felt good, looked pretty good, I even found some people to mingle with so I didn’t feel completely awkward.  Ryan showed up about an hour after I did.  I was so nervous I tried to stay far enough away so he wouldn’t see me.  I hung out with a couple I’ve seen at the Club.  They were friendly enough, maybe a little weird but at least I had someone to talk to.  We had a few drinks and even danced.  When I finally crossed paths with Ryan it was around 11:30 and I was pretty buzzed.

He seemed surprised to see me.  “Hey!  You made it.  Did you just get here?”

“No, I’ve been here a couple hours.”

He looked around.  “Where’s your husband?”

Now remember…I was buzzed. “Well that was part of my New Year’s resolution…to leave him home more often.”

‘This didn’t get the reaction I had hoped for…at a loss for words but not in a good wayJust then Charlie, the husband from the couple I’d been hanging out with, walked over.  He and Ryan shared cordial but not friendly nods.  Charlie reminded me it was close to midnight and that he just opened a bottle of champagne to toast.  I said I’d be right there.

When Charlie was out of ear shot Ryan asked, “how do you know Charles?”

“I just met him and his wife tonight.”

“Well just be careful.  They’re sort of strange.” It looked like he wanted to say more but was holding back.

“You think I need to be careful?”

Then up walked the Queen Bitch, Ryan’s wife.  Do you know she refused to make eye contact with me?  Stood not two feet from me.  Now I had watched them both from across the room and she hadn’t paid any attention to him all night but she was laying it on thick now.

“You ready to bring in another New Year with me baby?”  She kissed him on the cheek, his expression stayed neutral.

He looked at me before he walked away, total misery in his eyes and said “Happy New Year Nicole.”

Back with the LaStranges now…almost midnight…5….4….3….2….1……HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  Suddenly I was overwhelmed with, what am I doing here?  Who are these people?  I want to go home.  I actually started missing Eric.  So I planned my escape.  Another glass of champagne then I’d go home but suddenly I felt dizzy.  Too much champagne?  I am a lightweight.

I told the LaStranges and they walked me outside for some air.  Everything was spinning.  Next thing I knew, I was alone with Charlie.  Things get fuzzy but I know he had his hand inside the top of my dress.  Then his wife came back out and helped me get my coat on.   I couldn’t stand, she went to get their car while he sat with me, his hand now creeping up my thigh.  Then, like a knight in shining armor, Ryan came out and confronted Charlie.  I was lying on the bench, they were yelling at each other.

Spinning, spinning….flashing police lights….Ryan helped me stand.  I threw up on his shoes.  His bitchy wife was yelling at him.  I slurred something like, “how’dya like the powder bitch?”  Ambulance.  Emergency room.  People standing over me.  More throwing up.  Blur, blur, blur….wake up.  Bright lights, still in ER.  Eric sitting in the room.  Ugh.

The ER is a pretty happening place on New Year’s Eve but I think I’ll stay home from now on.  So basically I can never leave my house again since it seems like everyone in this town knows what happened.  It ends up that Charlie slipped me something.  They found evidence, he was arrested.  I was banned from the Club forever not for what happened but because in my purple haze I confessed to powdering that bitches locker.  I threw up on Ryan.  Then after months of having the upper hand with Eric, now I’m the one in the dog house.

Happy Freakin New Year.

All Dressed Up And Somewhere To Go

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Had a great couple of days! I went dress shopping with my daughter, we got our hair done, nails did and went to lunch. These are the things that are important. I almost decided not to go to the Club’s New Year’s Eve party but then my husband started up with me again and that was it. I’m going. More to get away from him than anything but I also can’t wait to wear the dress I bought. I usually don’t like getting dressed up since I’ve plumped out, but I love this dress. And I look pretty good in it!

I ant to bring in this New Year right.  As I sit and get ready, Eric keeps walking by the bedroom.  He looks in, totally mopey, doesn’t say anything then walks away. You know, if he just said, “I’d really like you to stay home tonight Nicole.  Let’s get some wine, sit in front of the fire and bring in the New Year together…a new start”…I would stay home in a heartbeat.  But this is the problem.  He won’t.  He just wants me to stay here and be miserable with him, when he was the one who caused the misery to begin with!  Am I wrong here?  He isn’t doing what he needs to do to fix this.  Personally I think he’s going through a mid-life crisis.  Maybe I am too but I wasn’t until he turned my life upside down.  I have to stop feeling guilty about this.  I want to enjoy myself tonight.

         My New Year’s Resolutions:

  1. Make myself a top priority!
  2. Keep writing!  Maybe get a novel started?
  3. Get healthier and fit
  4. Have a better view of myself.  Build up that self-esteem!
  5. AND…Don’t let my husband drag me down

Have a safe and happy New Year all!!  See you next year!

Calm after the storm

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It’s been an interesting few days. My in-laws left two days ago and not five minutes later Eric completely lost his mind. I didn’t see much of him while they were here but when we did cross paths he was cranky. I just thought his parents were getting on his nerves. But as it turns out, I was getting on his nerves. Apparently he wanted me to spend more time with them…and him. Since when? I called bullshit. I think his parents confronted him about the obvious tension and distance between us and he didn’t know what to say. He probably blamed me. I guess that’s why I ended up with the books. She thought it would help us? Anyway, he was yelling something about how unhappy he is and a dark cloud over our house or something like that. I was shocked because it sounded like he was blaming me. So sorry you’re miserable Eric. Maybe you should go screw another co-worker! Would that cheer you up? What an asshole.

So it was pretty bad, luckily the kids were out. I didn’t like him before this but now I just can’t stand him. How dare he blame me for the unhappiness in our lives!

Good news is I have a story idea outlined. I’m not going to let that selfish ass ruin my motivation. I did some meditating, I’ve been going to the Club…screw him. And you know what? I just decided…I AM going to that New Year’s party. And I’m going alone. Not for Ryan really, but to get out and dance and bring in the New Year right. There are a lot of singles there so I won’t feel silly. Yep. That’s what I’m going to do. I need a dress…and maybe a few visits to the tanning booth, shoes, hair did. Yes…I’m going!! Time for some tea and a hot bath…

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